Ever since I was in my middle school, and I saw Don Johnson wearing sleeveless t-shirts in Miami Vice, I thought shirts with no sleeves were cool. At one point, I almost wrote a proposal to the school’s administration and superintendent. This proposal was for our school to adopt male uniforms consisting of white pants and pink, sleeveless shirts. Anyone wearing belts or socks would be sent home. Since my proposal to apply Aztec customs to the school’s sports program was receiving harsh, ethnocentric feedback (see also my bio), I decided not to submit the uniform proposal.
In spite of this long ago decision, I have recently decided that I am going to wear sleeveless shirts in every situation of my life. In what follows, I will discuss what prompted this decision and how I am carrying it out in case anyone else wants to look as cool as I now do. To conclude, I will answer four questions that will likely be raised within the minds of my faithful readers.
The prompt to this fashion decision occurred at Summerfest. I was trying to get over my disappointment that my favorite band called Those Darn Accordions, were not playing this year. I began drowning my sorrows in berry-favored beer. Yes. I am a heterosexual man, and I drink berry-flavored beer. Anyway, I started noticing that a lot of guys were walking around in shirts from which the sleeves were absent in some way. Some of these cool guys were wearing tank tops. A lot were wearing shirts that had no sleeves. Some of these shirts were simply made without sleeves. Some of these shirts had the sleeves cut off. Some of these shirts were probably made without sleeves, but frays were added to provide a worn look. I wouldn’t be surprised if Abercrombie and Fitch carried those. I hope they carry XXXL for my big guns.
This discovery made me realize that there are more people in the world than I thought that think tank tops and shirts without sleeves are cool.
My epiphany inspired me to find one of those ambulances that look like jacked up golf carts. It got to the point where I was about to ask security to call one for me, but I was eventually able to flag one down. It took some convincing, but the paramedic eventually used his scissors to cut the sleeves off my Ralph Lauren Polo shirt.
My disappointment about the band was more than compensated for when I was able to walk around Summerfest with my new attire. It was composed of a newly-fashioned sleeveless Ralph Lauren Polo shirt with orange, horizontal stripes on a purple base draped over my purple cargo shorts with the navy blue sweater vest hanging out of the back pocket. I was also wearing red Crocs.
In addition to feeling cool at Summerfest with my new wardrobe, I enjoyed a few other perks. The best example is that I was able to get through the crowds much easier. People just seemed to move out of my way when they saw what I was wearing. I guess looking cool just earns respect in that way.
Now, on to my ideas for anyone that wants this same level of respect from wearing sleeveless shirts. I’ll start with the types of sleeveless shirts that I wear. For me, tank-tops are out of the question. I’m now expecting to get a lot of hickeys from these women who seem to think that guys with sleeveless shirts are appealing. Tank-Tops don’t cover up these bites of love as well. I’m also not opposed to wearing sleeveless turtlenecks, but I may be getting ahead of myself.
I may buy the other shirts made without sleeves, but I think I am mainly going to just cut. That way, I am not only providing a rugged look. I am providing an authentic one, like Matthew McConaughey in A Time to Kill.
Even though McConaughey has inferior looks and coolness to me, I think he was on to something with his band shirt with the sleeves cut off. I found my old Hanson t-shirt and just clipped those gun covers of mine right off. I plan on going to Sullivan’s on Water very soon in this shirt to drink some berry beer mixed with Red Bull and talk to the ladies. Aw yeah.
It’s not just t-shirts of bands from which I will be cutting sleeves. I also plan to strip those pipe casings of mine from my Don Johnson-style henleys, sport coats, and yes, more Ralph Lauren Polo Shirts.
I am even going to go to the “Create Your Own” section of Ralph Lauren’s website to see if I can get a sleeveless polo in orange with a green collar. The monogram at the left breast and horsie logo at the bottom left hem will be in white stitching. That way, I’m not only appealing to these women, who actually find sleeveless shirts attractive. I’m also sending subliminal messages to women with affinity for citrus. Aw yeah.
Now, I will conclude by addressing some questions that undoubtedly have been raised.
1) What is my approach to armpit hair? For now, I was leaving my armpit hair alone because I wanted to have a European look for the ethnic festivals in Milwaukee. When the festivals neared to a close, I shaved all of my armpit hair off. I’m wondering if people like John Cena and Justin Timberlake may be setting this as a standard anyway.
2) Am I concerned about the cold weather? No. I’m from Wisconsin. I also have plenty of Neosporin.
3) Is this going to affect my job of teaching kids? This is a legitimate concern, but don’t worry. I have tenure. Any issues about my attire will not stop me from shaping the minds of today’s youth.
4) How does this affect your sweater vest enthusiasm? I can always wear these shirts under the vests. I also think it adds a nice look to have the vests hanging out of my back pocket (as I touched on earlier). Besides, sweater vests are sleeveless. Don’t think of this as supplanting my enthusiasm for sweater vests. Think of it as a diversification. Of course, this is all aside from when I streak.