Dear Anthony, how do you feel about our new president?
I don't exist in the same reality as everyone else. For this reason I don't know that I could say he is my president. For the sake of the argument, I will bite. Our country was headed in the wrong direction and we have sent a message that we have seen the error of our ways. The entire planet was able to see how wrong we were but we as Americans were too stubborn to recognize this. The world will now see us for what we are capable of, not for our pigheaded stereotype. Also he has a great butt.
Dear Anthony, can you please exalt Obama for me?
I can and I will. I have never been a religious man, but I would like it to be known that I have become ordained. That's right, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, himself, baptized me and I am now the first pastor of The First United Church of Christ in Obama. While Obama is definitely not a deity himself, he was sent by the Lord to lead us into righteousness. Praise Obama and his minions.
Dear Anthony, how do you feel about dairy farming?
Barack Obama is wonderful because he is on a mission to eradicate all injustice in our society. I'm pretty sure he is so perfect that his feces smells like roses. I love Barack Obama. I don't think I've ever loved a man this much. Not even my scout master from the sixth grade.
Dear Anthony, I know that it is illegal to joke about having a bomb at an airport, do you think that by the same token it is illegal to joke about kidnapping a child at a school?
No, I don't think it is illegal but I do believe in vigilante justice.
Dear Anthony, have you ever seen Deathwish 3?
No, why do you ask?
Dear Anthony, I love the Jonas Brothers. My wife says this is a problem because I am obviously not a man if I love the Jonas Brothers. I personally don't see how the two can be connected but just to be sure I am having gender reassignment surgery. Can you see any complications that will arise after my operation?
I'd like to say no, but in good conscience I can do no such thing. I personally know the Jonas Brothers and I know that they would not sanction such an act. Unless you are somehow able to turn into a 12-year-old girl after your surgery, don't. Only 12-year-old girls buy their CDs and only 12-year-old girls love them. Well maybe their mothers do, too.
Dear Anthony, I thought of writing an advice column for my friend's paper. Can you give me any advice?
No. What do you think this is, some sort of advice column?
Dear Anthony, I recently lost my job, my girlfriend dumped me, and I realized that I have no redeeming social function. This has all depressed me quite a bit, but nothing seems to break the spell. Since then I have met a new girl (that aggravates me, but loves sex), gotten a job I should love, and realized that I am liked. All these realizations and new acquisitions should have led me to think more positively, but I still can only focus on the negative. Also I think I'm getting sick. What can I do?
Well, I think that your time on this planet is soon to expire. Sorry to seem so negative but I can only see one option...become an astronaut.
Dear Anthony, have you ever seen my Mom naked?
Only once. She told me that it was for the good of science. I'm glad science got something out of it because it definitely wasn't for the good of me.
Dear Anthony, I found lint in my ass the other day. At first this seemed normal, but the more I think about it, the more it seems weird. I desperately want to feel normal. What can I do?
To feel normal, just go to the Home Depot and run up and down the aisles, naked, yelling the ABC Tuesday night line-up. That's normal.