Dear reader, I am sorry. I apologize, humbly and sincerely. But you must understand that your mom loves the cock. And I give the best cock that any man who wears a mustache ever has. My skills attracted her like flies to stink, but that is not why I am apologizing. I apologize for waking you up; traumatizing you; and making you feel that your mother is a whore. I can assure you that isn’t the case. I did not pay dollar one to fuck your mother. In fact, I had to lay down some of the best game Milwaukee has ever seen and fight off several competitors vying for her. That, and buy her a drink. I swear I did not know she was a MILF.
Believe me, your mother is not a whore like Joey’s mom. That woman only pays the rent by opening her pocketbook. And I don’t mean pocketbook like white people use it, but like how Oprah uses the term pocketbook. Instead, your mom is like a flower that has been cut and wrapped by a florist. She is pretty, well kempt (she even corrected me for using that term because it was redundant). I’m sorry your father died and left that piece of fine ass woman for scoundrels like me to cajole into that cacophony of moan that roused you from sleep the night before you had your SAT. Again, I’m sorry, deeply apologetic. I won’t buy you ice cream, however, because I am a dirt bag.
Also you swore that you would kill me. And when a teenager runs at me with a knife, my survival instinct takes over. I hope your mom’s stab wound is healing. You seemed pretty upset about missing me. I’m sorry that I clocked you, but you were stab-crazy and had just scared me off the best piece of pussy I had scored in years. You fag. I was filing out police reports and hospital intakes until 4 am! It ruined any sunrise special that I was going to have with your mom, who (by the way) told me that she had made a big mistake. Thanks a lot douche bag. Now your hot mother thinks that a screaming orgasm is a big mistake. I know you missed your SAT, but don’t worry. You won’t need school because you’ll never get past your Oedipal complex.